Funnies


Who wears a high school letter jacket to their campus tour/prospie weekend?

Also, I’m very excited to watch the USA in the World Cup.

Dear Senator or Representative,

I understand that you’ve been considering opposing the proposed “public option” for insurance as part of the comprehensive health care reform bill. I’ve composed an exhaustive list of possible justifications for voting against the public health care option to help you make this difficult decision. If you don’t fit into one of the catagories below, then rest assured: there is no conceivable reason for you to vote no.

  1. Agents of the American Medical Association have kidnapped a member of your immediate family and, instead of ransom, are demanding a “no” vote.
  2. Marty McFly burst into your office in a Delorean shouting about impending doom if uninsured children gain access to coverage.
  3. You confuse the “no” button on your desk with the button that stops the world from ending on Lost, or you think the “yes” button means “yes, fire all our nuclear weapons at China.
  4. You don’t want to let poor people go to the doctor because you’re trying to spark a socialist revolution by exacerbating class disparity.
  5. The Psychiatrists’ lobby convinces you it’s opposite day.
  6. You hate poor people.*
  7. The bill gives you a severe paper cut and extreme blood loss makes you feel dizzy, causing you to stumble and fall onto the “no” button.
  8. You hate your job, but unlike some people, you’re not willing to resign. Instead, you just vote against your constituent’s best interests in that hope that you’ll get fired.
  9. You think that the free market will provide a solution and that the government should just stay out of the way.**

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Concerned Citizen Sled Dog

*Not an actual justification, just makes you an asshole.

**Not an actual justification, just makes you an ignorant moron.

The television is asking me personal questions about my armpits. Apparently, my pits should fall into one of three catagories: hairy, sweaty, or sensitive.

This kind of thing has been coming up a lot more lately. The TV recently advised me to get girl-approved hair and spray perfume-deodorant on myself while riding a motorcycle. I don’t want to seem paranoid, but it’s almost like all these personal hygene marketers are trying to make me feel insecure. Not that they would do that.

I predict that in the next five years, they’ll start marketing makeup to men. A few years after that, it’ll probably become fashionable to stuff a sock down your pants. And then…the end of Western civilization.

Surely there is at least one other female comedy writer/actor who could get a few laughs in College Humor skits. Whoever this girl is, she’s gotta be worked to the bone.

  1. I should be able to hand in outlines instead of papers.  ^ heg chcks russian nukes is pretty self explanatory…why do i need a paragraph to say it?
  2. I shouldn’t need to explicitly answer opposing points of view in papers…that’s just giving away free disads. Read the preemts section, foo!
  3. Coming up with a long list of reasons why something is true should discourage people from challenging my assumptions.
  4. Cap Bad should be an acceptable answer to any essay test. For example, Q: “How does Millet’s ‘The Gleaner’s’ compare and contrast with David’s “Oath of the Horatii’?” A: “Ummmm…you endorse capitalism.”
  5. Same goes for politix.
  6. Every class should relate to nuke war or environmental collapse.
  7. If the professor’s lecture or reading material doesn’t match syllabus, or if the syllabus isn’t specific enough, or if it’s too specific, I get to leave class.
  8. Grades should be as inflated as speaker points.
  9. Speech times are not optional, Professor Hull. I don’t flow after the timer goes off.
  10. My partner should clean up all my messes and do all my work. 😉

Love video games but refuse to support hierarchies of capitalistic oppression? Now there’s a solution: The People’s Mario!

In The Know: New Iraqi Law Requires Waiting Period For Suicide Vest Purchases

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