All day long, chemical Mountain fumes have been wafting off my shirt and into my bloodshot, watering eyes. I’m Mountain Fresh, you see. My mom bought scented laundry detergent a couple weeks ago, and the stuff even looks toxic. It’s glowing, puke green colored goop that reminds me of the slime from Nickelodeon, except the slime doesn’t cause cancer.

The smell of this stuff is seriously overwhelming. I have to point my nose in the opposite direction when I pour it into a load. It’s so strong the dryer lint smells Mountain Fresh. My clothes are so infused with Mountain Freshness I can cause severe allergic reactions in other people simply by wafting fumes at them. I’m a walking chemical weapon! Maybe the Pentagon should give me a grant.